No Time To Die

Pardon the above progress poses from 2019-2020. Apparently when I try to pose confidently I wind up looking like a tremendous douchebag. Perhaps from a lifetime of malpractice when it comes to having self-confidence and posing as such. I've always lacked it and felt I wasn't good enough, especially in the looks department. Anyway, above is me after roughly two years on and off of working out. Recently I've started to recover from tennis elbow, which I had for many months but didn't quit or slow down enough to let it heal, and so I'm celebrating by hitting the weights harder lately. But I'd like to write quickly about my transformation from a forty-plus year old man with a terrible back due to an early ATV accident and years of bad posture as well as probably very underwhelming testosterone level (still can't grow a proper beard so thanks Native American genetics and/or low T levels). This post was partly inspired by reddit's nattyorjuice sub where posts of men after forty looking sort of fit are often met with juicing comments and so I thought is it that uncommon these days for men after forty to be able to naturally attain some sort of respectable amount of strength? So I figured why not post about my journey into "fitness". Fitness in quotes because cardio, hah, what's that? Anyway, I started playing around with weights when I was forty, nothing serious. I remember putting just eighty pounds on my back, trying to squat it and feeling like my back was breaking in half. I was told that was the best thing for it by a probable bro-science comment on an anonymous forum, although there is some truth in that. Despite that I persisted working out for almost a month and quit for many more months because the back pain would just be unbearable sometimes even without the weight. Besides that I'd sometimes have panic attacks and bad chest pain with anything that got my heart rate up too much as was an issue with me for years and still sometimes a problem for me. 

But fast forward another year and a half and after enough time feeling useless and angry I started working out again. Not to "be healthy", necessarily though it's a bonus, but to rid myself of pent up anxiety and as a last ditch effort against the back pain after decades of suffering. I was also sick of anxiety meds and the emasculating effects as well as the stomach pains and headaches they invariably gave me. So at forty two I started working out again, this time with more consistency and persistence. It wasn't without breaks though, sometimes monthly either from injury or demotivation, but mostly injury from pushing myself too hard and too quickly. And so what you see above is probably the product of a good eight months of persistent working out, every day, being sore somewhere especially in the back, pain which is always there to some extent. But I powered through and even if I haven't made any size gains, working out is much easier now after breaking myself in. I know I need to eat more but at this point and at this age I just want to be in better shape and have less pain in my life. For some, eating enough to fuel yourself and any gains is probably the easiest part but for me, not so easy. 

As I've continued working out my back pain has started to diminish and I've seemed to trade those back pains for muscle pains. In my book that's a good deal because back pain is so demotivating and anxiety-inducing. I know, I could also use more ab work. I don't do situps but I do legups every few days since they're easier on the back, my experience, and at this age fat doesn't come off the abs so easily. A leaner diet would help but I'm an opportunist and just eat what sweets and high carbohydrate foods I'm given (thanks, mom) although I do try to pawn them off on the kids first but generally I'm a waste-not-want-not kind of guy, especially when it comes to donuts. 

The point of this post is to hopefully help inspire someone else who deals with such antagonists. Even at forty, just thirty minutes a day (ok, one hour in my case because I'm always distracted by Spotify) of free weights, probably even three days a week although I try to do something every day, of good hard work and you can achieve this. Most guys could probably even achieve this easier than I could given my suspected low T levels. I was at 'listening to Billie Eilish and lacking little-to-no interest in women' levels. Yes, I said it. I'm a middle-aged man and I think Billie Eilish and her brother write beautiful music. Fight me. Anyway, I don't calorie count or follow a strict diet, although not everyone can get by with it as myself since I'm a hard gainer with fat and muscle but when you're really pushing yourself with weights, you really have to eat a lot to to pack on much fat. Keep in mind that even if you don't achieve your goal you're still better off than you were. Do as I did and have done, live in your own reality or fantasy. Yes, you won't be superman but it's good to dream. By invoking your will to power you can make at least part of that fantasy reality. Yes, some guys are way too into themselves and too deluded about what they themselves and others can achieve but to some extent you can't blame them because much can be achieved just by ignoring what may be artificially imposed limits, sometimes even the advice of others, and invoking your will to power through the world despite the crushing hands of entropy squeezing life out of you every day telling you to give in. But if you will your mind to it your body will generally follow as they work synchronously. Years of depression have almost convinced at various times in my life that it was a good time to die but that time isn't now. It took lots of will to push through after wishing for most of my life I'd never been born. Anyway, I hope this does someone some good but I'd also be lying if I didn't mention the point was to humblebrag about my struggles and gains, of course like every fitness blogger and vlogger out there.

And now for the relevant music which inspired the title posthumously after a Spotify session. Sometimes in this ecosystem of heavy-metal-infused, engineering-based video tutorials and otherwise male-dominated tech news I tend to infuse myself in, I think softer voices and outlooks are appreciated sometimes. You know, Yin-Yang and all that to add some balance to life.