Life, the Universe and Everything
Those who know me, a clue is in the title. As a preface and to reiterate, my past blogs I tended to use chaos, disorder and entropy interchangeably either because of a lack of nuanced understanding of the term at the time or a fit of verbal passion sometimes intentionally when convenient. But moving on, I'll warn this is a very depressing rant post and I almost never blog when depressed but at this point it can't hurt and of course lest I forget, using it as a form of therapy was the main reason I started doing this. This is all mostly hastily written and if it weren't it wouldn't be very true emotions because I tend to get off track if having to think too much about what I'm doing or saying.
I'm so tired of all the complaining I see everywhere. And sometimes worse are the ones complaining about complaining, which I try to refrain from. News, social media, the "establishment", the anti-establishment, everyone, everywhere, telling me I need to be offended by this person, that thing, this news and that my brain needs washed of this or that for you to be an accepted individual. Everyone everywhere seemingly fighting for people's brains to make them zombified personal armies. And everyone's a hypocrite. Everyone I try to look to for answers I see an exploit, a flaw in their argument somewhere. This, this right here is why I so desire to see beyond the muddy realm of language and seek lower foundational workings in biology, chemistry, physics, etc if only I could go beyond my apathy and intellectual restraints, both working hard to imprison me, to care to pursue those goals with much ambition. Part of me thinks by partaking in it to subdue conflict that I'll inevitably have to conflict with others, with my own thoughts, own desires and so there's no escape from this cage of conflict for which we're imprisoned. This conflict isn't the fault of humans though, just thermodynamic entities doing what thermodynamic entities do, conflict. And that is my major malfunction, I don't like conflict. I do on a playful level but when it hurts others, after I've had time to sober up after being in a conflicting argument, I'm again even more conflicted by the conflict I've caused someone else. I used to think that intellectual pursuit as well as physical pursuits and those of compassion and all subsets of those are some higher pursuit to escape our animalistic nature and be something more but of course that was long ago in a creature so mentally far away in his naive, autodidactic endeavors to hopefully figure out this world and find some order in it.
As of late, I spend anywhere from three to nine hours sleeping and the rest of it wishing I was sleeping. Or dead. Or better yet not born. I had a dream lastnight that I had cancer, that peace will come at last, and so I was in a good mood for a while after waking but then reality hits you after the calm of morning escapes and I realize I'm still in this battle to.... I don't know. Some say exercise can solve this issue. I've been at it for a year, usually four plus days a week doing some form of exercise, mostly lifting because I've heard of its anti-depressive qualities and as a form of therapy for my back, which I will owe it to helping with that. I started off, pathetically enough, with getting 100lbs on my back and trying to squat it which made my back felt like it was going to break in half. Because I don't have a squat rack, I have to powerclean whatever I squat but after enough research to make sure I wasn't screwing up my back and learning decent form, I got up to 140x3x10 until I had a bout of back pain so bad that I quit for a month. I got back to it it after realizing that lifting was what little hope I had in life if I ever want much of a future as it was already looking bleak enough. I guess I could go outside and run but of course that would depend on going outside and possibly having to interact with people, something I'd hope lifting would eventually help out with. So fast forward about a year, after much back pain and various weeks off at times and I'm powercleaning and squatting 180x3x10, bench pressing 98x3x8 dumbells, 120lb dumbell rows (the English long bow awaits) until a bout of tennis elbow left me holding back on presses for now. It's a very modest amount but a decent improvement for a 140lb old man with a bad back and a stubborn can't-do-it attitude using a simple set of free weights at home so for all the negative here, there's a bit of inspiration that there's a lot you can overcome if you try, even when being negative to yourself as I was pretty much fueled by it. Not by positivity necessarily but mostly pure, aggressive, angry energy because when you're in the shape I was in, working out isn't a friend, it's a battle with an enemy.
But as far as mentally helping me, I don't think so. I've shrunk up to a pathetic weight. I make sure I'm sore somewhere every day, so much so that it can make it hard to sleep and I'm usually in a more aggressive, apathetic and cold-hearted mode because the pain makes me envelop a 'such is life' mentality that what hurts you and others can be good for you and others and that mindset, quite frankly, really messes up your moral compass. That and of course social media where it's considered ok to throw insults at each other and defend the most heinous people for the cause of the tribe. I used to interject and partake in social media to hopefully mediate situations but soon enough I realized I'd become Nietzsche's monster, the monster I'd have hopes of fighting and so I learned to steer clear of it for my own mental health's sake. I'd either do that or guiltily buckle down and become part of the tribe, the idealistic zombies, as much as I hate to say it but at the end of the day I'd hate myself usually. Now I just want to avoid any conflicting media and people but it seems you can't rest because everyone wants you to be their personal army, to fight their ideological battles because if you don't then you're seen as complicit and as an other. Some people and societies just can't have an other so many of those who just want some semblance of peace inevitably have to get caught in the conflict. But I digress again, thermodynamic entities do what thermodynamic entities do. As the more active ones disperse their energy more, the more benign entities ultimately have to absorb some of it.
Some would say I need a religion, something to make me feel good. As I said before, just because it feels good doesn't mean it's a good pursuit. Besides that, it's not necessarily religion that brings satisfaction but spirituality and feeling a oneness with the world and everyone else. That all goes out the window when everywhere you look there's conflict and when harboring the notion that some of this conflict is beneficial to us on the individual, societal and evolutionary scale and so you fight yourself against fighting it to some extent. Also true belief is not something you choose just because of existential, mental or otherwise expediancy. You can't just believe in supernatural entities if you're not convinced. Decades of trying to understand thousands of interpretations of thousands of denominations of thousands of religions of thousands of gods of thousands of years and in the end to only have people say 'well, you need to understand my interpretation of my denomination of my religion of my god, not the others and then you will find peace but only when you do your duty to give conflict to others and yourself because my religion is a religion of peace, not the others', that wasn't convincing.
Some would say I need pills. I've tried a few but haven't found anything that really works. Part of me thinks we're oftentimes treating physiological issues as psychological issues, in my case I suspect it's endocrinological or immunological. But to put it bluntly, I've shoved many gods into my brain, pills into my body, money in my pocket, weights on my shoulders, riding toys we boys seem to love and many women into my bed (ok, last part is clearly a lie) and every day since my teenage years probably 95% of those days I wished I wasn't born. And every day I keep this to myself and only my mother knows the full extent of how depressive I can be but I show it rarely to her. But my pain is my own, I'd like to think, and so I don't like to complain much to others but this is who I am, this is my blog and this is my own time to rant. And so I'm going to kick it ol' school and be my angsty teenage self for the day so I'm going to fall out of line with my typical no-cursing policy and half-jokingly say, like, fuck the world. Nirvana rules!
I'm so tired of all the complaining I see everywhere. And sometimes worse are the ones complaining about complaining, which I try to refrain from. News, social media, the "establishment", the anti-establishment, everyone, everywhere, telling me I need to be offended by this person, that thing, this news and that my brain needs washed of this or that for you to be an accepted individual. Everyone everywhere seemingly fighting for people's brains to make them zombified personal armies. And everyone's a hypocrite. Everyone I try to look to for answers I see an exploit, a flaw in their argument somewhere. This, this right here is why I so desire to see beyond the muddy realm of language and seek lower foundational workings in biology, chemistry, physics, etc if only I could go beyond my apathy and intellectual restraints, both working hard to imprison me, to care to pursue those goals with much ambition. Part of me thinks by partaking in it to subdue conflict that I'll inevitably have to conflict with others, with my own thoughts, own desires and so there's no escape from this cage of conflict for which we're imprisoned. This conflict isn't the fault of humans though, just thermodynamic entities doing what thermodynamic entities do, conflict. And that is my major malfunction, I don't like conflict. I do on a playful level but when it hurts others, after I've had time to sober up after being in a conflicting argument, I'm again even more conflicted by the conflict I've caused someone else. I used to think that intellectual pursuit as well as physical pursuits and those of compassion and all subsets of those are some higher pursuit to escape our animalistic nature and be something more but of course that was long ago in a creature so mentally far away in his naive, autodidactic endeavors to hopefully figure out this world and find some order in it.
As of late, I spend anywhere from three to nine hours sleeping and the rest of it wishing I was sleeping. Or dead. Or better yet not born. I had a dream lastnight that I had cancer, that peace will come at last, and so I was in a good mood for a while after waking but then reality hits you after the calm of morning escapes and I realize I'm still in this battle to.... I don't know. Some say exercise can solve this issue. I've been at it for a year, usually four plus days a week doing some form of exercise, mostly lifting because I've heard of its anti-depressive qualities and as a form of therapy for my back, which I will owe it to helping with that. I started off, pathetically enough, with getting 100lbs on my back and trying to squat it which made my back felt like it was going to break in half. Because I don't have a squat rack, I have to powerclean whatever I squat but after enough research to make sure I wasn't screwing up my back and learning decent form, I got up to 140x3x10 until I had a bout of back pain so bad that I quit for a month. I got back to it it after realizing that lifting was what little hope I had in life if I ever want much of a future as it was already looking bleak enough. I guess I could go outside and run but of course that would depend on going outside and possibly having to interact with people, something I'd hope lifting would eventually help out with. So fast forward about a year, after much back pain and various weeks off at times and I'm powercleaning and squatting 180x3x10, bench pressing 98x3x8 dumbells, 120lb dumbell rows (the English long bow awaits) until a bout of tennis elbow left me holding back on presses for now. It's a very modest amount but a decent improvement for a 140lb old man with a bad back and a stubborn can't-do-it attitude using a simple set of free weights at home so for all the negative here, there's a bit of inspiration that there's a lot you can overcome if you try, even when being negative to yourself as I was pretty much fueled by it. Not by positivity necessarily but mostly pure, aggressive, angry energy because when you're in the shape I was in, working out isn't a friend, it's a battle with an enemy.
But as far as mentally helping me, I don't think so. I've shrunk up to a pathetic weight. I make sure I'm sore somewhere every day, so much so that it can make it hard to sleep and I'm usually in a more aggressive, apathetic and cold-hearted mode because the pain makes me envelop a 'such is life' mentality that what hurts you and others can be good for you and others and that mindset, quite frankly, really messes up your moral compass. That and of course social media where it's considered ok to throw insults at each other and defend the most heinous people for the cause of the tribe. I used to interject and partake in social media to hopefully mediate situations but soon enough I realized I'd become Nietzsche's monster, the monster I'd have hopes of fighting and so I learned to steer clear of it for my own mental health's sake. I'd either do that or guiltily buckle down and become part of the tribe, the idealistic zombies, as much as I hate to say it but at the end of the day I'd hate myself usually. Now I just want to avoid any conflicting media and people but it seems you can't rest because everyone wants you to be their personal army, to fight their ideological battles because if you don't then you're seen as complicit and as an other. Some people and societies just can't have an other so many of those who just want some semblance of peace inevitably have to get caught in the conflict. But I digress again, thermodynamic entities do what thermodynamic entities do. As the more active ones disperse their energy more, the more benign entities ultimately have to absorb some of it.
Some would say I need a religion, something to make me feel good. As I said before, just because it feels good doesn't mean it's a good pursuit. Besides that, it's not necessarily religion that brings satisfaction but spirituality and feeling a oneness with the world and everyone else. That all goes out the window when everywhere you look there's conflict and when harboring the notion that some of this conflict is beneficial to us on the individual, societal and evolutionary scale and so you fight yourself against fighting it to some extent. Also true belief is not something you choose just because of existential, mental or otherwise expediancy. You can't just believe in supernatural entities if you're not convinced. Decades of trying to understand thousands of interpretations of thousands of denominations of thousands of religions of thousands of gods of thousands of years and in the end to only have people say 'well, you need to understand my interpretation of my denomination of my religion of my god, not the others and then you will find peace but only when you do your duty to give conflict to others and yourself because my religion is a religion of peace, not the others', that wasn't convincing.
Some would say I need pills. I've tried a few but haven't found anything that really works. Part of me thinks we're oftentimes treating physiological issues as psychological issues, in my case I suspect it's endocrinological or immunological. But to put it bluntly, I've shoved many gods into my brain, pills into my body, money in my pocket, weights on my shoulders, riding toys we boys seem to love and many women into my bed (ok, last part is clearly a lie) and every day since my teenage years probably 95% of those days I wished I wasn't born. And every day I keep this to myself and only my mother knows the full extent of how depressive I can be but I show it rarely to her. But my pain is my own, I'd like to think, and so I don't like to complain much to others but this is who I am, this is my blog and this is my own time to rant. And so I'm going to kick it ol' school and be my angsty teenage self for the day so I'm going to fall out of line with my typical no-cursing policy and half-jokingly say, like, fuck the world. Nirvana rules!
Thinking a question can't be answered is far more admirable than thinking an answer can't be questioned.
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