Living with SPD (sensory processing disorder)
Have you ever been in a situation where you can otherwise function yet the overwhelming stress of the situation makes it hard to focus, function and act with social grace? This is what SPD is like. In some cases it manifests itself as social anxiety and less commonly as selective mutism, both of which I have and had, respectively. Selective mutism I experienced from roughly the age of eleven to eighteen in my family's circle and in the public school system for essentially the whole of it. Though in both environments, the degree at which it was exhibited varied at times depending on its expression thereof and what I thought were certain priorities that I had to overcome lest I wind up in a mental institution. So I did feel in some ways like I had to speak when required since my future may depend on it; I was terrified of being in an institution.
Selective mutism is, in my own words, social anxiety in overdrive. Or as wikipedia puts it, an over-excitability of the area of the brain called the amygdala. Any stimuli that's affecting you externally is amplified. Sounds are loud in your world. Lights are very bright. The chaos of people going to and fro, making noise, and sometimes directly commenting or verbally interrogating you can be overwhelming so you have this internal world you have to reside in, somewhat, to tame the chaos internally. To leave your quiet and orderly environment seems like sheer lunacy yet it's required to generally traverse the challenges life evokes such as paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. This can sometimes lead to existential quandaries. Assumingly, we all face the everyday challenges of life because at the end of the day or at some point, it's all worth it. But when most of your day is filled with challenge, with anxiety, then at some point you begin to look at your life and ask yourself if it's all worth it. It's not uncommon for SPD to exist co-morbidly with depression.
But for some, selective mutism is an oddity. It's certainly odd statistically but it may be viewed in a trivial manner in thinking that all you have to simply do is just talk to people. As with lots of things in life we don't understand, it's not really that simple. You can talk with selective mutism, but then the very nature of conversation becomes perverted since you're talking because you're forced to by yourself or someone else and who wants forced "friendly" conversation? The more you talk, the more attention you get and when you have SPD and/or social anxiety with selective mutism, that's the last thing you want. And in an ironic way, the less you talk, the more attention it brings when you do talk to someone. And if you talked to one person, such as a teacher or counselor at school, you may have this overwhelming sense of guilt that you didn't talk to other people that you cared much more for. The guilt can also initiate depressive episodes. Personally, this coupled along with other people's hypotheses that I was perhaps a devil worshipper (remember the satanic panic of the 80s?), that I was stupid or "not all there", that being mute automatically makes you psychotic (though I do admit related circumstances could make me ill tempered), that I was traumatized or was abused, and all sorts of sometimes rash, hurtful assumptions tended to trigger even more introversion and sometimes depression. I don't hold any hard feelings for anyone these days. People fear what they don't know and the best I can do is to help people know. To listen is to understand. To understand is to know. To know is to love. At least in many cases it's true. And I'd hope no one holds any hard feelings for me in my past moments of ignorance. But I don't expect or necessarily wish anyone to love me or anyone else, though I do hope tolerance isn't too much to ask. I've also wished the same of myself at some points in my life because my hyper-vigilance and sometimes overblown sense of fear and worry have made me less tolerant at times, of people and environments.
At certain times I've felt like I've gained a lot of control over my SPD. I joined the Army and forced myself to get over a lot of it yet exited before due service because of the same issue. It's plagued me a lot of my life and have a lot of trouble sometimes overcoming not just the disorder but dealing with the social failures it sometimes causes. The best I can do is understand it to help deal with it and hope others will be understanding of me as I try to be of others, as well as the others in my same shoes. The wiki link states that stubbornness associated with selective mutism is a misconception. I can't speak for anyone else but I'd say my stubbornness is a defining trait. But I don't feel like I'm a mistake. I feel like having a "disorder" is just one of the challenges of life we all face and those challenges define us. Whether you believe in god, gods, or just interpreting what you do as the intent of the nature of the universe, we're who we are for a reason, or perhaps not, to satisfy the nihilists out there. But I don't think those entities make mistakes. I think there's a method to the madness and every person and thing has its place, it has its own universal validity, a reason for doing and being. Not to say I'm a pacifist or "apathist"; action and change has its place. That said, my nature is not something I look to completely eradicate, it's something I'd rather retain on some level yet try to make it co-exist more easily with the other challenges I face in life. Sometimes we fight so much to be and appear normal that we become intolerant for our own mistakes and others, we become what we fight against.
I don't know about some of you but it's hard to reconcile living a meaningful life when you're living the same life as someone else. Trying to be more normal seems to spurn an existential dilemma with myself on the meaning of life and dealing with the mediocrity of normality. But as with anything in life, I'd say there's a balance. In fairness, normality sets a condition whereby an organism can associate and relate to another, therefore group members can potentially reciprocate the health and welfare of each individual. So I totally understand the practical and tactical importance of normality and uniformity. In ways that I do see myself as normal, I appreciate those qualities. But if there's anything I want others to take from this, it's to approach difference in people with less fear and more tolerance. Even if you're going to be selfish, fear and hate can have negative consequences to your mental and physical health. The hate you display may perpetuate itself to others in society and in this society, generally, what comes around tends to go around so you may experience it again at some point or another or a loved one.
But thinking about this more, the core of me doesn't want to publish this as well as a lot of other things I've posted elsewhere on my site that draw more attention to me but who are we without self-expression? To be able to express oneself is freedom. Life without freedom isn't life.
Selective mutism is, in my own words, social anxiety in overdrive. Or as wikipedia puts it, an over-excitability of the area of the brain called the amygdala. Any stimuli that's affecting you externally is amplified. Sounds are loud in your world. Lights are very bright. The chaos of people going to and fro, making noise, and sometimes directly commenting or verbally interrogating you can be overwhelming so you have this internal world you have to reside in, somewhat, to tame the chaos internally. To leave your quiet and orderly environment seems like sheer lunacy yet it's required to generally traverse the challenges life evokes such as paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. This can sometimes lead to existential quandaries. Assumingly, we all face the everyday challenges of life because at the end of the day or at some point, it's all worth it. But when most of your day is filled with challenge, with anxiety, then at some point you begin to look at your life and ask yourself if it's all worth it. It's not uncommon for SPD to exist co-morbidly with depression.
But for some, selective mutism is an oddity. It's certainly odd statistically but it may be viewed in a trivial manner in thinking that all you have to simply do is just talk to people. As with lots of things in life we don't understand, it's not really that simple. You can talk with selective mutism, but then the very nature of conversation becomes perverted since you're talking because you're forced to by yourself or someone else and who wants forced "friendly" conversation? The more you talk, the more attention you get and when you have SPD and/or social anxiety with selective mutism, that's the last thing you want. And in an ironic way, the less you talk, the more attention it brings when you do talk to someone. And if you talked to one person, such as a teacher or counselor at school, you may have this overwhelming sense of guilt that you didn't talk to other people that you cared much more for. The guilt can also initiate depressive episodes. Personally, this coupled along with other people's hypotheses that I was perhaps a devil worshipper (remember the satanic panic of the 80s?), that I was stupid or "not all there", that being mute automatically makes you psychotic (though I do admit related circumstances could make me ill tempered), that I was traumatized or was abused, and all sorts of sometimes rash, hurtful assumptions tended to trigger even more introversion and sometimes depression. I don't hold any hard feelings for anyone these days. People fear what they don't know and the best I can do is to help people know. To listen is to understand. To understand is to know. To know is to love. At least in many cases it's true. And I'd hope no one holds any hard feelings for me in my past moments of ignorance. But I don't expect or necessarily wish anyone to love me or anyone else, though I do hope tolerance isn't too much to ask. I've also wished the same of myself at some points in my life because my hyper-vigilance and sometimes overblown sense of fear and worry have made me less tolerant at times, of people and environments.
At certain times I've felt like I've gained a lot of control over my SPD. I joined the Army and forced myself to get over a lot of it yet exited before due service because of the same issue. It's plagued me a lot of my life and have a lot of trouble sometimes overcoming not just the disorder but dealing with the social failures it sometimes causes. The best I can do is understand it to help deal with it and hope others will be understanding of me as I try to be of others, as well as the others in my same shoes. The wiki link states that stubbornness associated with selective mutism is a misconception. I can't speak for anyone else but I'd say my stubbornness is a defining trait. But I don't feel like I'm a mistake. I feel like having a "disorder" is just one of the challenges of life we all face and those challenges define us. Whether you believe in god, gods, or just interpreting what you do as the intent of the nature of the universe, we're who we are for a reason, or perhaps not, to satisfy the nihilists out there. But I don't think those entities make mistakes. I think there's a method to the madness and every person and thing has its place, it has its own universal validity, a reason for doing and being. Not to say I'm a pacifist or "apathist"; action and change has its place. That said, my nature is not something I look to completely eradicate, it's something I'd rather retain on some level yet try to make it co-exist more easily with the other challenges I face in life. Sometimes we fight so much to be and appear normal that we become intolerant for our own mistakes and others, we become what we fight against.
I don't know about some of you but it's hard to reconcile living a meaningful life when you're living the same life as someone else. Trying to be more normal seems to spurn an existential dilemma with myself on the meaning of life and dealing with the mediocrity of normality. But as with anything in life, I'd say there's a balance. In fairness, normality sets a condition whereby an organism can associate and relate to another, therefore group members can potentially reciprocate the health and welfare of each individual. So I totally understand the practical and tactical importance of normality and uniformity. In ways that I do see myself as normal, I appreciate those qualities. But if there's anything I want others to take from this, it's to approach difference in people with less fear and more tolerance. Even if you're going to be selfish, fear and hate can have negative consequences to your mental and physical health. The hate you display may perpetuate itself to others in society and in this society, generally, what comes around tends to go around so you may experience it again at some point or another or a loved one.
But thinking about this more, the core of me doesn't want to publish this as well as a lot of other things I've posted elsewhere on my site that draw more attention to me but who are we without self-expression? To be able to express oneself is freedom. Life without freedom isn't life.
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